Week 18 -Tears for a stranger

Yesterday, my Mastermind partner asked me if I had been reading obituaries. Not really, I replied, it was kind of a hard thing to do. A few hours after our conversation, I found out that a woman I knew had just died. I didn’t know her well, but it hit hard. She could have been me. She was approximately my age, with children the same age as mine. We used to work at the same place doing similar jobs. Our sons are on the same hockey team. For some reason, cancer chose her, and after a long fight, she finally passed away yesterday.

As I sat in a poorly chosen line at the car wash, I sobbed. Then I became frustrated with the slow lady washing her car. Then I laughed at how ridiculous I was to be cranky about waiting. Then I sobbed again. This lasted for half an hour (she really was slow) and the whole time I moved between tears, laughter, growls, and more tears.

I was glad I was alone because it felt sort of ridiculous to be that upset about someone I didn’t even really know – a handful of conversations maybe. She seemed kind and gentle. I wondered if she had always been that way, or if her illness had changed her in some way.

It’s 3:00 am here and I woke up from a nightmare where some shapeless, nameless thing that I couldn’t see was trying to drag me away. I lay awake, not wanting to go back to that place. I tried to send thoughts of peace and love to her family. Then I tried to sleep. Then I thought: damn, how grateful would she be if she could have woken up like me this morning? Woken up to her beautiful children, to another day with the ones she loves.

So, I get it. I get why the obituaries. I am so grateful. Grateful to be alive and tired. Grateful my feet hurt. Grateful for the laundry I have to do today and the bills I have to pay. Grateful that I found this course and made changes in my life so that I can be here in my life, loving my children with everything I have.

The human experience is strange that way. It takes death to appreciate life. Sad times to appreciate the happy ones. A bad cold to appreciate the day you wake up healthy. Up and down we go – and I am so grateful for it all.

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Week 17HJ -What a day!

Ahhh, what a day!

We woke up to the clean, quiet beauty of freshly fallen snow. The smell of wood stoves on the chill air brought the sweet memory of roasted marshmellows to our minds. The sun even made an appearance through thinly scattered clouds.

Today is too beautiful for opinions and I take a long walk, open to all of the wonderful people and places around me. My path spreads before me – wide, clear, and uncluttered, like the peaceful wake of my future self.

I meet old friends and new ones. I help my children with their homework and do my best to answer deceptively simple questions about the world all around. I am here. I am finally here. It is like descending down from the sky and stepping lightly from the clouds into the real world. Back into my life.

I’m not usually so poetic and whimsical, but the day seems to call for it. I am on my hero’s journey and will surely have some dragons to slay, but for now life is sweet and I am here.

Week 17 – Unsettling Change

It’s not really that I feel good about my decisions so much as I know that I couldn’t have chosen anything else. So why so unsettled? I used to be good with change, I clung to it.

I guess the difference is that this time, I’m not running. I’m doing the opposite: stopping and facing everything I’ve been so scared of my whole life. Re-imagining myself, creating a new narrative as my awesome mm partner puts it, can’t possibly be easy. So I guess this is par for the course. As Davene says, it takes courage. If this were easy, I wouldn’t need courage!

I love the Franklin makeover. It is simple, it works, it is a beautiful way to effect change and fill our lives with beautiful moments.

This whole process hurts, but I’m glad to be here.

Peace out

 

Week 16 – This has to be on kindness

I love this week. I love the whole turning the world upside down thing. If you are looking for something, give it. It’s something I’ve known intellectually for a long time, but I am truly feeling it now and seeing it everywhere. I think that’s the difference with this course – it takes things you may know and helps you FEEL them, live them. The law of giving and receiving. Look for kindness, give kindness, and you create a world of more kindness. Such great stuff.

A friend of  mine is going through a tough time with his wife. He asked for advice and all I said was just listen. Just try to show your love and kindness. Show that you really want to understand her viewpoint, even if you disagree. I couldn’t tell him what to do, but personally I get so far with my big bear of a husband just by showing love and kindness.

It also gets me free bacon at the butcher’s 🙂

Peace, love & kindness on your hero’s journey!

Week 15 – Even good change is hard

Well, I feel happy about the changes I’ve made, no doubt, but there are still moments of loss and floundering going on for me. This course is somewhat of an anchor as I make my way through to a new way of doing things. It is strange to let go of the mainstays that steadied me for so long: what other people think I should do, what “normal” people do, what “normal” people want, what I thought I wanted…The ground is shifting now and I have to look inside for what to hang on to, not outside. Traditionally, I’ve loved change, sought it even. I’ve uprooted and moved to the other side of the world more than once, but this feels different somehow. That was running away, no idea where to. This is the opposite. I’m forced to go very still, dig deep, let my roots grow. My old neuro-ditches are groaning with the change. But I’m too far along this journey and life is too short to turn around now. Whoopee!!

Week 14 – Movie night

Just on the theme of inspirational movies that we were supposed to watch. I saw a sweet little move called About Time on Netflix. I loved the premise and it’s a good reminder to enjoy and appreciate the little things. I really enjoyed this simple movie. Great cast. Great message. 🙂

Week 13 – Moving on

Feeling amazing about the big changes happening. Still need to do a lot of work, but the right things still seem to be falling into place. I taped my magnifying glass to my sentence card, love the visual. Sometimes I feel like if all I do is read that one card, it will make a difference. Imagine the change if I keep up all of the work!! Short holiday post here, but big shout out to my awesome tribe, guide, and MM partner. Have a great Christmas break!