Week 12 – Not my battleship

Since the very beginning, I’ve known what I had to do, I was just too scared. Scared to be a failure, scared of what others would think, scared of going broke – all decisions made from a place of fear and hanging on.

“What do I do?”

“Take it into your sit,” says my super patient guide with a knowing smile.

“What does that even mean? This sucks.”

I even tried to quit the course, but I’d come too far, I was conscious of the truth now and I couldn’t abandon the gal in the glass no matter what.

So I took it into my sit. Only this time, I imagined what my life would look like if I made it to the end of the path I was on. Like a great battleship, I imagined my life in all its glory. I pictured the clothes I was wearing, the people I was talking to, the car I was driving, the office I worked in, the smell of my coffee, the paperwork, the research, everything.

So, how did it feel?

Meh.

I liked my car and full bank account. I liked the people I was talking to. Life was good, but definitely not great.

It was not my life.

And then the last heavy piece of cement chipped off, the sky opened to reveal endless possibilities, and I took the first deep breath I had taken in years. It filled my lungs, my belly, my head and my heart. My spirit lifted like a great balloon.

Damn, I’m a SLOW learner!!

As Mark J. said, persistence doesn’t mean not quitting. Just sayin’

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Week 11 – Wormtongue

I can confidently say that I had a breakthrough this week. This was in large part due to great friends, a great husband, a great guide, great tribe, and a great mastermind partner. I don’t think I could have pushed through alone.

My old pattern is to start all kinds of wild and wonderful projects, then quit halfway down the road when I hit an obstacle. The first 8 weeks of this course I was all in for the ride, then things in my life started to change. The change was for the better, but change is always hard, and my old BP fought back – hard. I got caught up in all of the drama around me and fell WAY behind in my readings, assignments, and focus. I looked at how behind I was and thought, “well isn’t that typical” and I almost abandoned the whole process, my business, and all of the work I had put in. “Maybe this just isn’t for me” my old BP whispered, “Maybe you don’t have the energy and willpower to do this. Maybe your old life wasn’t so bad…” At this point, I picture a slithering snake, my very own “Wormtongue” (for my fellow LOTR nerds).

Well, Og’s persistence chapter was well-timed. I can’t even imagine going back to my reactionary life. I looked back at all of the times I had pulled through, persisted and won. I have it in me to succeed. I’ve done it before without support, and this time I have tons of support, so no looking back!

Week 10 – What?! and Kindness

Week 10 – well that went fast, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks so.

My life has done a complete about-face since starting this course. I’m not sure if it’s related or coincidence, but I’m not questioning it. I’ve always welcomed change, but even so, it can be hard. I feel more determined, scared, excited, and anxious than I have in a long time. I’m happy I’m putting myself out there, whatever the results.

Met with a great Mastermind partner, Jan, yesterday. It is wonderful to talk with someone who gets what’s happening. I’m looking forward to getting to know her better.

I had an amazing week: people, seemingly out of the blue, sent me gifts and caring words. My awesome coach, Stephen, sent me an inspiring letter and a compass and magnifying glass in the mail. 2 of the most meaningful symbols in the course for me – how did he know?! My friend dropped by for no reason one morning to give me free yoga drop-in classes and a gift certificate to the local health food store – wow! My super-handy, mechanical husband generously offered his time to install new lights on my single friend’s car, saving her $200! My single friend has moved in with her aging, sick parents to care for them – wow! People everywhere are doing amazing things for each other. It makes me want to jump into that flow and give back too. I REALLY needed it this week as I almost gave up, and BAM! Kindness oozing out of the woodwork!

I will have to really reflect on how I can contribute now…I’m going to have to one-up these people somehow!!

Week 9 – 15% Concentrated Power of Will

On the 7 ways people learn, I’ve learned that music is definitely one of mine. Not that I’m very musical, but it is one of the surest and quickest ways to completely alter my current state of mind. So I don’t have a lot to say this week, too busy trying to implement everything, but I thought I’d put out a list of some of my most motivational tunes – no laughing please πŸ™‚

  1. Remember the Name – Fort Minor “10% luck , 20% skill, 15% Concentrated Power of Will, 5% pleasure, 50% pain…”
  2. Lose Yourself – Eminem
  3. Inner Ninja – Classified
  4. Wonderful Night – Fatboy Slim
  5. Take a Minute – K’naan
  6. Faith – George Michael
  7. And a lot of goofy 90’s rap, not sure why πŸ™‚

Sometimes it’s easy for me to get bogged down in the drudgery of daily life (laundry never ends and my kids are ALWAYS hungry!) Adding some tunes helps turn life into a dance party!!

Week 8 – Starting Over, Sort Of SOS…O

So I, uh, re-wrote my DMP today…from scratch.

While everyone else is installing the plumbing and electrical, I’m still laying the foundation of my new house. Some people already have their furniture picked out, I’m still trying to figure out how deep to dig. Sigh.

Funny thing though, this one makes me cry. Every time I read it, I get teary. Another funny thing, the life I want is so simple. That surprised me.

I am a very simple person caught up in a world that moves at such a crazy, frantic pace. I need time to just sit and think. I’m a thinker. I like thinking. I solve pretty cool problems when I think. I can’t hear myself think most of the time.

A lot of this is self-inflicted (read: procrastinator!) I think if I can solve this, my life will slow down to a much more acceptable pace.

A lot of this is being a working Mom. I feel like this is a problem I want to solve, not just survive.

I am behind on my honour requirements. There, I admitted it. But I’m not giving up. Just when life gets craziest, this becomes even more important. This is what matters, because this will decide if I want to actively participate in my life, or just be pulled along in the… well, I guess River of Dreams is probably the best way to put it – why re-invent the wheel?

I take comfort in the fact that, even if I missed Og one day, he is still on my mind all day. “I will greet this day with love in my heart” has taken over my life. I remember it at strangely perfect times. Even though I don’t have a compass yet, I know my PPNs are my True North and the only direction I need to go. Even though I’m still re-writing my DMP, I am getting closer to my authentic self.

Even though I have no idea how I’m going to get there, at least now I’m pretty close to knowing where I want to go.

Week 7 – Making Friends With My Future Self

I think this is potentially the most important concept for me to grasp in this course. I am the WORST procrastinator. I live in a state of frantic, behind-the-ball urgency that really doesn’t suit my Type B, “yin” personality. I don’t thrive in a state of “busyness” and chaos. I like calm, rose-smelling days. I NEED to make friends with my future self.

I finally finished my Press Release (yay!) – and yes, several weeks late. I’m not sure if this was the procrastinator at work, or just the “I have no idea what I want my life to look like” person. I am really starting to understand who I want to be: the kind of person, mother, partner, friend, community-member… Someone that person in the mirror can be proud of.

I spent hours working on the Press Release, so this will be a short blog – I have to get back to all of my late projects, plus make some cauliflower pizza dough (no, I’m not joking, and no it’s not as good as normal pizza dough).

I enjoy reading the blogs I have looked at, and wish I read more of them. A lot of deadlines will come and go by the end of November, so I’m hoping to catch up on reading some of the great stuff by fellow MKMMAers.

cslewis119176

Week 6 – Hawaii Style

Some of the greatest thoughts have come to me from Hawaii. I think it’s no coincidence that the “J’s” as I like to call them, are based there too. The one that has really been on my mind for the past couple of weeks is called Ho’oponopono. If you aren’t familiar with the practice, I found a good description atΒ The Light Some Life Blog. It is defined as the “ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness.”

At its most basic, it is a short prayer or mantra that you can recite out loud or to yourself, often to help resolve conflict (internal, or with someone). I’ve been using it as the “gift” I give to people (silently) when I meet them. I’m not an expert on this practice, but it reminds me a lot of the readings we’ve been doing.

Ho'oponopono

I also use it when I’m consumed with negative thoughts about someone. I try the whole “Law of Substitution” to replace negative feelings and thoughts with something positive and constructive. I like the idea of taking personal responsibility for the conflict, of recognizing our connectedness.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks for me. This whole process has stirred up a lot, and I’m facing some pretty big decisions with a lot of serious repercussions and potential conflict. I’ve always been good at making hard choices, when needed, but feel like life is moving too fast for me to really sit down and reflect. To think. I’ve been getting my Sit in, but usually at night before bed and I almost always fall asleep on the living room floor. I haven’t done my press release. Not because I can’t make time for it, but because I don’t know what to say. I thought I knew what I wanted going into this process, but all this cement-chipping has really messed with that vision. I don’t want to make any hasty moves, but I don’t like indecision. I want to know what I want and go for it. Sigh.

This is definitely a process that can’t be rushed. I think that’s why I have faith in it. Ho’oponopono is helping with the day-to-day survival too!