Week 18 -Tears for a stranger

Yesterday, my Mastermind partner asked me if I had been reading obituaries. Not really, I replied, it was kind of a hard thing to do. A few hours after our conversation, I found out that a woman I knew had just died. I didn’t know her well, but it hit hard. She could have been me. She was approximately my age, with children the same age as mine. We used to work at the same place doing similar jobs. Our sons are on the same hockey team. For some reason, cancer chose her, and after a long fight, she finally passed away yesterday.

As I sat in a poorly chosen line at the car wash, I sobbed. Then I became frustrated with the slow lady washing her car. Then I laughed at how ridiculous I was to be cranky about waiting. Then I sobbed again. This lasted for half an hour (she really was slow) and the whole time I moved between tears, laughter, growls, and more tears.

I was glad I was alone because it felt sort of ridiculous to be that upset about someone I didn’t even really know – a handful of conversations maybe. She seemed kind and gentle. I wondered if she had always been that way, or if her illness had changed her in some way.

It’s 3:00 am here and I woke up from a nightmare where some shapeless, nameless thing that I couldn’t see was trying to drag me away. I lay awake, not wanting to go back to that place. I tried to send thoughts of peace and love to her family. Then I tried to sleep. Then I thought: damn, how grateful would she be if she could have woken up like me this morning? Woken up to her beautiful children, to another day with the ones she loves.

So, I get it. I get why the obituaries. I am so grateful. Grateful to be alive and tired. Grateful my feet hurt. Grateful for the laundry I have to do today and the bills I have to pay. Grateful that I found this course and made changes in my life so that I can be here in my life, loving my children with everything I have.

The human experience is strange that way. It takes death to appreciate life. Sad times to appreciate the happy ones. A bad cold to appreciate the day you wake up healthy. Up and down we go – and I am so grateful for it all.

Week 17HJ -What a day!

Ahhh, what a day!

We woke up to the clean, quiet beauty of freshly fallen snow. The smell of wood stoves on the chill air brought the sweet memory of roasted marshmellows to our minds. The sun even made an appearance through thinly scattered clouds.

Today is too beautiful for opinions and I take a long walk, open to all of the wonderful people and places around me. My path spreads before me – wide, clear, and uncluttered, like the peaceful wake of my future self.

I meet old friends and new ones. I help my children with their homework and do my best to answer deceptively simple questions about the world all around. I am here. I am finally here. It is like descending down from the sky and stepping lightly from the clouds into the real world. Back into my life.

I’m not usually so poetic and whimsical, but the day seems to call for it. I am on my hero’s journey and will surely have some dragons to slay, but for now life is sweet and I am here.

Week 17 – Unsettling Change

It’s not really that I feel good about my decisions so much as I know that I couldn’t have chosen anything else. So why so unsettled? I used to be good with change, I clung to it.

I guess the difference is that this time, I’m not running. I’m doing the opposite: stopping and facing everything I’ve been so scared of my whole life. Re-imagining myself, creating a new narrative as my awesome mm partner puts it, can’t possibly be easy. So I guess this is par for the course. As Davene says, it takes courage. If this were easy, I wouldn’t need courage!

I love the Franklin makeover. It is simple, it works, it is a beautiful way to effect change and fill our lives with beautiful moments.

This whole process hurts, but I’m glad to be here.

Peace out

 

Week 16 – This has to be on kindness

I love this week. I love the whole turning the world upside down thing. If you are looking for something, give it. It’s something I’ve known intellectually for a long time, but I am truly feeling it now and seeing it everywhere. I think that’s the difference with this course – it takes things you may know and helps you FEEL them, live them. The law of giving and receiving. Look for kindness, give kindness, and you create a world of more kindness. Such great stuff.

A friend of  mine is going through a tough time with his wife. He asked for advice and all I said was just listen. Just try to show your love and kindness. Show that you really want to understand her viewpoint, even if you disagree. I couldn’t tell him what to do, but personally I get so far with my big bear of a husband just by showing love and kindness.

It also gets me free bacon at the butcher’s 🙂

Peace, love & kindness on your hero’s journey!

Week 15 – Even good change is hard

Well, I feel happy about the changes I’ve made, no doubt, but there are still moments of loss and floundering going on for me. This course is somewhat of an anchor as I make my way through to a new way of doing things. It is strange to let go of the mainstays that steadied me for so long: what other people think I should do, what “normal” people do, what “normal” people want, what I thought I wanted…The ground is shifting now and I have to look inside for what to hang on to, not outside. Traditionally, I’ve loved change, sought it even. I’ve uprooted and moved to the other side of the world more than once, but this feels different somehow. That was running away, no idea where to. This is the opposite. I’m forced to go very still, dig deep, let my roots grow. My old neuro-ditches are groaning with the change. But I’m too far along this journey and life is too short to turn around now. Whoopee!!

Week 14 – Movie night

Just on the theme of inspirational movies that we were supposed to watch. I saw a sweet little move called About Time on Netflix. I loved the premise and it’s a good reminder to enjoy and appreciate the little things. I really enjoyed this simple movie. Great cast. Great message. 🙂

Week 13 – Moving on

Feeling amazing about the big changes happening. Still need to do a lot of work, but the right things still seem to be falling into place. I taped my magnifying glass to my sentence card, love the visual. Sometimes I feel like if all I do is read that one card, it will make a difference. Imagine the change if I keep up all of the work!! Short holiday post here, but big shout out to my awesome tribe, guide, and MM partner. Have a great Christmas break!

Week 12 – Not my battleship

Since the very beginning, I’ve known what I had to do, I was just too scared. Scared to be a failure, scared of what others would think, scared of going broke – all decisions made from a place of fear and hanging on.

“What do I do?”

“Take it into your sit,” says my super patient guide with a knowing smile.

“What does that even mean? This sucks.”

I even tried to quit the course, but I’d come too far, I was conscious of the truth now and I couldn’t abandon the gal in the glass no matter what.

So I took it into my sit. Only this time, I imagined what my life would look like if I made it to the end of the path I was on. Like a great battleship, I imagined my life in all its glory. I pictured the clothes I was wearing, the people I was talking to, the car I was driving, the office I worked in, the smell of my coffee, the paperwork, the research, everything.

So, how did it feel?

Meh.

I liked my car and full bank account. I liked the people I was talking to. Life was good, but definitely not great.

It was not my life.

And then the last heavy piece of cement chipped off, the sky opened to reveal endless possibilities, and I took the first deep breath I had taken in years. It filled my lungs, my belly, my head and my heart. My spirit lifted like a great balloon.

Damn, I’m a SLOW learner!!

As Mark J. said, persistence doesn’t mean not quitting. Just sayin’

Week 11 – Wormtongue

I can confidently say that I had a breakthrough this week. This was in large part due to great friends, a great husband, a great guide, great tribe, and a great mastermind partner. I don’t think I could have pushed through alone.

My old pattern is to start all kinds of wild and wonderful projects, then quit halfway down the road when I hit an obstacle. The first 8 weeks of this course I was all in for the ride, then things in my life started to change. The change was for the better, but change is always hard, and my old BP fought back – hard. I got caught up in all of the drama around me and fell WAY behind in my readings, assignments, and focus. I looked at how behind I was and thought, “well isn’t that typical” and I almost abandoned the whole process, my business, and all of the work I had put in. “Maybe this just isn’t for me” my old BP whispered, “Maybe you don’t have the energy and willpower to do this. Maybe your old life wasn’t so bad…” At this point, I picture a slithering snake, my very own “Wormtongue” (for my fellow LOTR nerds).

Well, Og’s persistence chapter was well-timed. I can’t even imagine going back to my reactionary life. I looked back at all of the times I had pulled through, persisted and won. I have it in me to succeed. I’ve done it before without support, and this time I have tons of support, so no looking back!

Week 10 – What?! and Kindness

Week 10 – well that went fast, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks so.

My life has done a complete about-face since starting this course. I’m not sure if it’s related or coincidence, but I’m not questioning it. I’ve always welcomed change, but even so, it can be hard. I feel more determined, scared, excited, and anxious than I have in a long time. I’m happy I’m putting myself out there, whatever the results.

Met with a great Mastermind partner, Jan, yesterday. It is wonderful to talk with someone who gets what’s happening. I’m looking forward to getting to know her better.

I had an amazing week: people, seemingly out of the blue, sent me gifts and caring words. My awesome coach, Stephen, sent me an inspiring letter and a compass and magnifying glass in the mail. 2 of the most meaningful symbols in the course for me – how did he know?! My friend dropped by for no reason one morning to give me free yoga drop-in classes and a gift certificate to the local health food store – wow! My super-handy, mechanical husband generously offered his time to install new lights on my single friend’s car, saving her $200! My single friend has moved in with her aging, sick parents to care for them – wow! People everywhere are doing amazing things for each other. It makes me want to jump into that flow and give back too. I REALLY needed it this week as I almost gave up, and BAM! Kindness oozing out of the woodwork!

I will have to really reflect on how I can contribute now…I’m going to have to one-up these people somehow!!